The Penis Extender Stretcher Strap Device

The Penis Extender Stretcher Strap Device is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a mechanism meant to make your dangle longer. But is it exactly what it looks like? Because… it looks like a medieval torture device. I don’t have man parts but I imagine if I did they would be quaking in fear right now, trying to crawl up my b-hole to hide. Look, I’m no penis scientist (although I claim to be at the bar, YOOWZA!), but if you’re trying to stretch out your snake, save yourself the 60 bucks and try some of my partially thought-out ideas.

Tie one end of a rope to a bowling ball, tie the other end to your wiener, drop the bowling ball off your balcony. Longer penis!

Slam your johnson in a door and run backwards. Longer penis!

Tie a fishing line to your love muscle. Go fishing, be sure to secure a big catch, reel it in. Longer penis!

Roll your dingaling out with rolling pin to achieve a longer penis. Longer penis!

Attach your penis to a model rocket. Ignite. PSSSSHOOOOW! Longer penis!

See? Easy! And hey, I got plenty more inexpensive, not at all dangerous penis lengthening ideas where that came from. But the real issue here is, any woman who loves a man with a tiny pecker will tell you: it’s not the size that counts, it’s whether or not it’s crooked what you do with it. $56